Runken Dramblings
by Slightly Dazed Bystander
Summary: A dragon, a wildcat and a basset hound walk into a bar. Mayhem ensues. Under intoxication nothing is safe, not even the fabric of reality itself!
1. To the Start of Nonsense

To the Start of Nonsense…

 _Long ago, in a drinking den to the Sorth…_

"Lilack… ah think yur _drunk!_ " Carol slurred as she slumped against the bar.

"Wha?" Lilac gasped, outraged. "Me? Dunk? _I'm_ not dunk!"

She slammed her fist on the bar.

"I don't have any dunk! _You're_ the one who's _dunk_. _You're_ dunk. _I'm_ dunk. That guy over there is _especially dunk…_ Oh hey Schpade!"

Spade, who was perfectly sober, looked over and rolled his eyes. He returned to his alcohol-free pint and did his very best to ignore Lilac's over-enthusiastic waving. When he didn't respond, Lilac slammed the bar in a huff. She went back to ranting.

"Y'know ah yoosed to like him." she growled. "Now he's like a big, murdery jerk… and shut up that's a word! _Muuurdery…_ "

"Ah thought that wash _your_ fault?" Carol accused. She leant over dangerously.

"Eh, it dependsh who you ask." Lilac said nonchalantly. She pushed Carol up by the head, squashing her face up as she went.

A thud interrupted the conversation as Milla keeled over backwards. She fell off her seat and hit the wooden floor with a thud.

"Tink we shuld help 'er up?" Carol asked hazily.

"Oh… oh she's ok." Lilac said. "She shleeps on the foor anyweh..." She did check briefly for blood.

"Ish that becosh she's a dog or becosh she lived in a foresht?" Carol wondered idly.

Happy snores rolled up from the floor. Milla had passed out where she'd fallen. That might have concerned her friends before their eighth round. It also explained why she was there. They were well on their way to joining her.

"The Magister's gunna be _pissed_ we wur out drrrrinking." Carol observed. She lent despondently against the bar.

"Well... _Iiii'm_ gunna be pissed at the Magister fur not tellin' ush about that dragon." Lilac fumed.

"Merga?" Carol asked.

"No, the forty foot aboma… abomi… _thing_ we found in the ruins today."

"Oh… right. I almosht forgot about that. **More Dailey's please!** " Carol cried desperately. She summoned another glass of memory removal juice with her hand.

"You know, thatsh the shecond time that git's made me confront a giant monster." Lilac reminisced. "That I can remember, anyway. Alcoholsh makin' things all _hazay_." Lilac waved her hands around in the air. She tried to capture the quintessential nature of "haziness."

"Like tranna see the future?" Carol groaned.

Lilac looked at Carol in surprise.

"Hey, _achually_ that's a pretty gud way of sheeing things." she said. "Funny that. Y'know, d'yever feel like shomebody's makin' up your life as he goesh along?"

"Funny you shuld shay that." Carol slurred. "Ah shometimes feel like I'm not in control of my own body. Like some nerd's gotten into my brain, and he's like 'do this!' and 'jump there!' It ushuha…. Usu… ushually ends badly."

Lilac nodded sympathetically. They all felt like that sometimes.

"Why dosh he need a buncha little kids to do hish dirty work anyway?" she complained.

"We're all over eighteen..." Carol pointed out tiredly.

"Yeah, _now._ " Lilac ranted. She slammed the table. "That's it, I'm gonna tell Child Servishes!"

"Child Servishes?"

"Yeah! Child Dervishes!" Lilac cried.

Carol absorbed that for a second.

"Ah think I can she two porblems Lilac." she began.

"Yeah, you always see problems... I mean porblems." Lilac retorted.

Carol wisely ignored her.

"One, we're adults."

"Hey thatsh no excuse! I want retroactive jushtish..." Lilac said, slumping down against the bar.

"Two, the Magister ownsh the gob... gub... people who run teh city."

"Darn corrupt politishuns..." Lilac muttered.

"Three..."

Carol pushed herself off the table. She glared at Lilac.

"If there were such a thing ash Child Servishes, y'think we'd shpend our childhood robbing templsh and shtorming alien battleships?"

Lilac thought about that for a second.

"I dunno. Never really thought about it. Kind of sounds like growing up in that alien city Glashgow..."

Both of them shuddered at the thought. Carol begrudgingly returned to her drink.

* * *

 **Author's Note:** _I came up with this on the spur of the moment one day and spat it out. As I'm not publishing a chapter of the Dragon's Mantle until next week, you may all consider this the closest thing I have to filler. :P_

 _(Not a one-shot)._


	2. Grand Theft Tardis and Therapy Bills

Grand Theft Tardis and Therapy Bills

"Say, how did we get to Glashgow anyway?" Carol slurred.

"Don't'chu remember tha' spinny bawks?"

"Bawks?"

Carol stared at Lilac in confusion.

"Yeah," Lilac leaned over. She squinted menacingly at Carol's face. "The _bawks._ "

She made a cube shape with her hands.

"Ohhhhh…" Carol said. Her eyes lit up in revelatory comprehension. "The box… that blue thing! Oh… Stone…"

She cradled her head in her hands. Lilac gave her a pat on the head.

"We borrowed it off that doctor fellow, rememb'r?" she rambled.

 _"Borrowed?"_ Carol drawled. "Milla hit 'im over the _head_ with a _rock!_ "

 **"He wanted t' take Mishter Stumpeh!"** Milla cried from below.

Her friends looked down disinterestedly at her.

"So anyway… after Milla's heartless murder…" Carol began.

"IT WUSH SHELF DEFENCE!"

"…we went inside." Lilac finished, rolling her eyes.

"Oh yeah, to find help." Carol slurred.

"I wanted to help." Lilac said irritably. " _You_ wanted to rob his corpse!"

"Hey, I resent that accu… accu… remark." Carol slurred. She twisted around in her chair and pointed at Lilac rudely. Then she got distracted and examined a beer stain on her shirt instead.

"You stole his screw thingy and jacket." Lilac pointed out. She steadied Carol with a hand before she toppled over.

"Yeah, well… darn. Alright, you caught me," Carol admitted. "So what happened next?"

She slumped down against the bar.

"Well there was thish big room inside." Lilac explained. "And it had all these wonderful blue colours!"

"Ah thought it was just a tiny little _bawks?_ " Carol slurred.

"It wuz bigger on the _inside_. You were _there,_ weren't you?" Lilac snapped. "Anyway, none of us knew what we were doin'. So we started slapping these buttons that were everywhere. Then ah heard this _whooshing_ sound…"

She made a flying motion with her arm.

"…and then that alien got up, and he wasn't dead! So he started banging on the door, and then we all started screaming 'AAAHHH! THERE'SH A ZOMBEH ON THE SHIP!' Then the noise shtopped, and we found ourshelves in this terrifying alien city!"

The girls shuddered at the memory. The pause gave Milla time to finally pull herself up.

"Y'know you never take us anywhere _nice,_ " she fumed as she slumped against the bar. "I wanna go somewhere _nice._ Mishter Stumpeh is nice. He took me to the foresht!"

"You _lived_ in the forest," Lilac pointed out. "And I take you to lots of nice places. Remember when we went into space?" She asked excitedly.

"I got turned into a giant scorpion." Milla growled. She glared at Lilac.

"Yeah, but you still got to see space!" Lilac pointed out cheerily. "That's every little girl's dream isn't it? And remember when we explored that old house?"

"It was haunted by spirits from beyond the veil of time and space," Carol said darkly. "They took us to the place where no light shines. You had to choose which one of us formed the sacrament. You chose _Milla_.

"Don't go in the bathroom. Don't go out at night. Don't go in the bathroom, you'll get a horrid fright. Don't go in the bathroom…" Milla continued to chant quietly.

"Eh, the shrink was kind of naff." Lilac said with a dismissive wave of her hand. "I don't know why we keep using that guy."

She flinched as a bulb flickered overhead.

"You weren't even scared of electricity before you went to visit him!" Carol cried.

"Look, the Magister said I should talk to a shrink even though I felt fine. I didn't want to go, but he said I'd make an interesting case study! You know, for science! Then the shrink said that if I didn't have anything wrong with me, there was nothing he could do. If there wasn't anything he could do, he wouldn't get paid. He said his children would _starve_ Carol. So I had to get sick fast!"

"So what, you gave yourself a mental illness?" Carol asked. She raised an eyebrow.

"It was the only thing to do!" Lilac said proudly. "I let him hypnotise me into fearing electricity... and space Satan." she trailed off quietly.

"Brevon?" Carol asked.

"Don't speak his name!" Lilac cried. "Don't you understand I need years of therapy to recover from that?"

* * *

 _Eight years ago._

"Hey everyone, I'm back!" Lilac said cheerily as she soared over the armies of Shang Tu and Shang Mu. "And I found this awesome dragon!"

"YAAAAAAAAYYY!"

"Now let's attack an alien army that outnumbers us a thousand to one!"

"This'll be fun!" Milla cried cheerily.

* * *

Carol slapped her hand to her face.

"Ok, I'll add our abusive therapist to the list of people I need to beat up… that's three pages long by the way." she snarled. "Anyway, what happened in Glasgow?"

* * *

 **Author's Note.**

Yep, more dramblings this week. Special thanks to Blayze over at Galaxy Trail forums for the idea and for looking this chapter over.


End file.
